10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so.

A healthy relationship requires knowing the skills necessary for “friendly fighting” — dealing with conflict respectfully and working together to find a workable solution. Friendly fighting means working out differences that matter. It means engaging passionately about things we feel passionate about, without resorting to hurting one another. It helps us let off steam without getting burned. Friendly fighting lets us “fight” and still stay friends.

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7 Signs of Unfriendly Fighting

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Roger and Robin have been married and fighting for 8 years. They both say they don’t like it. They both claim it’s the other’s fault. They both say they love each other but they can’t stand the fighting. On the brink of divorce, they’ve made the first agreement that either can remember, to come to therapy.

During the first session, they do me the favor of having a fight. It really is helpful. I get to see up close what it is that they do to make sure that a fight goes nowhere. Not surprisingly, there’s a pattern to it. Roger and Robin have become experts in the tactics of unfriendly fighting. Any conflict quickly spreads in all directions except the original one. Perhaps you recognize the signs.

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10 Ways to Support Your Bipolar Mate

By G.J. Gregory (Expert Bipolar)

So your spouse or loved one has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and you are wondering how to handle it. Like many, you may run to the library and return with an armful of books that will take six months to read. Or you may jump on the Internet and try to wade through a thousand pages of useless information for one page of relevance. Or you may reach out to others that have similar afflictions.

Here is a quick top ten list of suggestions and things to remember if your loved one is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Keep in mind this is written from the point of view of the bipolar disorder “sufferer”. In the near future, we’ll revisit this topic from my wife’s point of view.

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Bipolar Relationships

by Michele Soloway

Bipolar relationships are difficult to maintain, but they can work, if you work at them. No different from a non-bipolar relationship, if you love each other, you will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. And there are three things that every relationship takes to work: communication, trust, and honesty.

Mood swings are a major characteristic of Bipolar Disorder, and you will find that even with medication to control the moods, you will still struggle with low moods here and there, and find that these low moods will have an influence on your relationship, especially if your partner does not have Bipolar Disorder him/herself, which is usually the case. So you will need an extra amount of understanding and compassion to make your relationship work.

In addition to communication, trust, and honesty, bipolar relationships depend on two things:

1. The degree of control that the partner with bipolar disorder has upon his/her moods.
2. The degree of understanding and patience that the non-bipolar partner has of the bipolar partner’s moods.
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