10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so.

A healthy relationship requires knowing the skills necessary for “friendly fighting” — dealing with conflict respectfully and working together to find a workable solution. Friendly fighting means working out differences that matter. It means engaging passionately about things we feel passionate about, without resorting to hurting one another. It helps us let off steam without getting burned. Friendly fighting lets us “fight” and still stay friends.

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7 Signs of Unfriendly Fighting

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Roger and Robin have been married and fighting for 8 years. They both say they don’t like it. They both claim it’s the other’s fault. They both say they love each other but they can’t stand the fighting. On the brink of divorce, they’ve made the first agreement that either can remember, to come to therapy.

During the first session, they do me the favor of having a fight. It really is helpful. I get to see up close what it is that they do to make sure that a fight goes nowhere. Not surprisingly, there’s a pattern to it. Roger and Robin have become experts in the tactics of unfriendly fighting. Any conflict quickly spreads in all directions except the original one. Perhaps you recognize the signs.

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12 Ways to Make Friends

By Therese Borchard

I was really sad to read that so many readers don’t have four friends whom they could ask to compile lists of positive qualities in order to star a self-esteem file. It seemed that almost one-fourth of the comments on the message board of my “Video: My Self-Esteem file” pointed to the sad reality that many people are without a large group of friends.

Although I have experienced almost every other symptom of depression, I have been able to, for the most part, escape loneliness–except for those months when I couldn’t describe my thoughts and feelings to anyone because they were so ugly.

I think that I have been blessed with so many good friends throughout my life not because I’m so popular, but because I’m really nosy and I lack many of those social graces and proper boundaries that a polite person has.

In the first five minutes of meeting someone, I usually cover my entire psychiatric history. That can be good and bad. It works those afternoons like yesterday when a mom approached me and said, “You look so calm with your children,” and I laughed out loud and said, “I don’t think so, I’m just heavily medicated.” We talked for another hour and covered what meds we were taking, our dosages, what doctors we see, what psych wards we had visited, how long our menstrual cycles last, and what we tell other people with regard to our mood disorders: me … everything, her … nothing.

A success!

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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Success Stories – #7

by Anonymous

Lesbians Everywhere: A gay spiker confronts her pure-O theme about getting an answer to her sexual orientation question

This particular tale of OCD begins with a crush on a boy named Sam.

I was a very happy girl. I was about to graduate at the top of my high school class, spent bags of time with my friends, and was enjoying my crush, of course. Sam, however, didn’t like receiving my attention as much as I liked giving it. About four months after we met, I heard from a mutual friend that Sam was gay.

I was a bit depressed and slightly embarrassed. Sam hadn’t turned out to be the love of my young life. Mostly, though, I felt relieved to know his true colors, and hoped that he (and I) would be happy with future boyfriends.
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HAIR PULLING a.k.a. TRICHOTILLOMANIA – A simple habit or a complex diagnosis?

by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D.

What is Trichotillomania?
Trichotillomania (TM) involves the anxious pulling or removal of body hair, to such an extent that it produces a disruption to one’s life functioning. This insidious condition is associated with feelings of depression, shame, anxiety and disgust. Individuals with this condition often engage in social isolation and other extensive efforts to mask the perceived damage that the hair pulling has produced. The term “trichotillomania,” refers specifically to the final event (i.e. removal of body hair) in a sequence of behaviors or experiences that lead up to the actual hair pulling. Although hair pulling is most often associated with the condition, there are a number of individuals who engage in elaborate hair cutting episodes that are intended to bring about symmetry or perfect evenness. Trichotillomania, although often conceived of as a simple habit, has baffled behavioral psychologists and produced only moderate success in treatment outcome studies.

It is our belief that this seemingly simple condition is actually an enigma. We believe that the historical lack of success in treating this disorder can most likely be attributed to the “one size fits all” treatment approach implemented in most research protocols and clinical settings. A common shortcoming in the profession of psychology is the tendency for researchers and clinicians to create paradigm-based, rather than empirically-derived, models that pertain to the understanding and treatment of certain conditions. People who invest a great deal of time training in one conceptual paradigm, tend to process most conditions through their own bias. It seems that after buying a hammer, the world is full of nails. The truth is that cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy is not effective in treating everything and not everything that seems bizarre and out of control is OCD.
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The RIGHT Stuff – Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: A Defect of Philosophy, not Anxiety

by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D.

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) is a pervasive characterological disturbance involving one’s generalized style and beliefs in the way one relates to themselves and the world. Persons with OCPD are typically deeply entrenched in their dysfunctional beliefs and genuinely see their way of functioning as the “correct” way. Their overall style of relating to the world around them is processed through their own strict standards. While generally their daily experience is such that “all is not well,” they tend to be deeply committed to their own beliefs and patterns. The depth of ones belief that “my way is the correct way” makes them resistant to accepting the premise that it is in their best interest to let go of “truth owning.” Yet letting go of truth is paramount in their recovery. For the purposes of this article “truth” is defined as a person’s rigidly held belief which s/he feels is universally applicable. Most often, blame for ones internal strife, is placed on external circumstances or the environment.
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OCD – A Rose By Any Other Name

by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D. and Robert K. Stewart, Jr., M.A.

While driving home, recently, I was listening to one of those popular radio call-in shows hosted by a licensed clinical psychologist, popular author, and certified sex therapist. At this particular moment, a young caller named Julie was presenting a unique dilemma: Julie was concerned that her vagina emitted a strange, unpleasant odor that could be detected by those around her. Despite reassurance from her boyfriend, numerous gynecologists, and comprehensive medical testing that ruled out any abnormalities, such as unusual bacteria levels, Julie could not be dissuaded; she was absolutely convinced of her offensive smell, spending hours and hours anxiously preoccupied with the thought of being found out. Intrigued by Julie’s problem, I anxiously awaited the therapist’s response:

“Julie, you have some sort of nutritional imbalance, and you would benefit from a change in your diet. Go see a nutritionist, and in the meantime, perhaps you should look into using a douche as part of your hygienic routine.”
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I THINK IT MOVED – The understanding and treatment of the obsessional doubt related to sexual orientation and relationship substantiation

by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D.

The television program is “Seinfeld.” The setting is a professional office of a masseuse. One of the main characters, George Costanza, has agreed to receive the first professional massage of his life. Jerry Seinfeld has strongly recommended it saying that it will be extremely relaxing and beneficial. George is in the waiting room of this office. Expecting, and even hoping to be greeted by a young and attractive woman, he is surprised to find that his massage therapist is a large, well-built, attractive man in a white T-shirt and short pants. Although George is hesitant at first, he reluctantly agrees at Jerry’s urging to go through with the massage…

In the next scene we find George leaving the office greatly flustered with a tremendous sense of urgency. He meets with Jerry for a private conversation and with terror in his face, admits that during the massage he thinks “it” moved. Apparently, during the massage George found it relaxing yet stimulating. It seems some modicum of ambiguity was introduced as George might have experienced some initial signs of sexual arousal. As a result he became paralyzed with fear and doubt that his sexual orientation was now in question.

This comedic scenario reflects what, for some OCD sufferers, can be years of torment and agony. One of the more common forms of obsessional doubt involves the inability to clearly establish, with certainty, one’s sexual orientation and the resultant agonizing effort to derive a conclusive answer. Another very common obsessional doubt, which actually very often coincides with this intrusive thought (i.e., spike), is the endless effort to clearly establish whether or not the relationship is currently devoted to is authentic or substantial enough to warrant its continuation. Do I love him or her enough? Is he or she attractive enough? Am I spiritually connected with this partner of mine to a sufficient degree? And finally since I might be gay, shouldn’t I break up with this person and seek out my genuine self. Without too much contemplation, it is not difficult to understand why these two spikes would coincide. If a person were involved in a deeply committed relationship, and all of a sudden their predominant anxiety featured the desperate need to be absolutely clear as to what their sexual orientation entailed, questions as to the extent of their genuine love for their partner would be natural.
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Can Sex Be a Primer for Love?

By John M. Grohol, PsyD.

According to research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in August, the answer is “Yes,” sexual cues can directly influence a person’s relationship-oriented behaviors.

The researchers conducted a number of experiments to try and determine whether an association exists between erotic stimuli (sexually explicit words and pictures) and attributes that might increase a person’s tendency to want to be in a close relationship with another person.

Participants were divided into four groups — two were shown sexual photos, and two were shown neutral photos. Within each set of groups, one group was shown the photos for 30 ms (subliminal) and the other was shown it for 500 ms (supraliminal). The sexual photos shown were erotic but not pornographic pictures (an attractive naked, reclining man shown from the groin up for the female participants; an attractive, naked, kneeling woman photographed from behind for the male participants). The neutral photos were abstract pictures.

The effects of “sexual priming” on the tendencies to initiate and maintain a close relationship were measured using a variety of psychological and self-report tests.

The researchers’ findings? Subliminal exposure to these sexual stimuli increased participants’:

• Willingness to self-disclose
• Accessibility of intimacy-related thoughts
• Willingness to sacrifice for one’s partner
• Preference for using positive conflict-resolution strategies

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How to Forgive Yourself and Others

by Nathalie Lussier

Pain, resentment, guilt, anger, and fear… all of these feelings bubble up inside of us when we think back on our mistakes or the mistakes of those dear to us. Sometimes the only healthy way to move forward is to look back at our past and inject forgiveness into our lives.

Some say, “Forgive and forget.” Others say, “Forgive, but never forget.” No matter which path you choose, the act of forgiving is the first step. Here are three simple ways to bring more forgiveness into your life.

Forgive Yourself

In general, we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others. If you’ve made mistakes in the past, it’s time to let your spirit heal by forgiving yourself.  We all do things we aren’t proud of. Understand that you were doing the best you could at the time, with the experiences and knowledge you had accessible to you.

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